She got a Valentine for Gary….

Nicolai, a man in the autumn of his life, wondered what he was doing going to meet with a callow woman like Stephanie. This whole meeting had been arranged by her sister, a woman closer to his age who had somehow retained her beauty through the years. He knew why he was doing this at all: He was lonely. It certainly wasn’t that his bed felt too big, though; few beds he had slept in could accommodate a man of his physical stature. But nonetheless, it wouldn’t hurt to have a nice young lady he could spend an evening or two with. He had given up on anything beyond that. So long as he could be in the presence of a beautiful lady without acting like a complete buffoon, he would settle for whatever joy he could derive from that meeting.

“Would you please be mine?”

“Oh, Mr. LeVanne!” exclaimed the happy sister. He had met her through business. “Oh, you look marvelous!” Why was she commenting on his attire? It was only the earthen-toned travel clothes he always wore. These clothes just happened to look more decent than the clothes of others.

“Thank you,” he said politely, taking the hickory pipe from his mouth.

“Do come in.” Afternoon sunshine streamed through the windows, and she seemed to be in the middle of cleaning things up. He had met this woman by catching the man who had swiped some of her gold in the market. She thought it ‘oh so exciting’ that he was an investigator. He didn’t tell her about the other jobs he did.

He ducked his head on the way in, mindful of anything hanging too low before he settled down on a seat in the parlor. While his hostess was gone, he straightened his clothes and put out his pipe. After all, he thought it rude to smoke in front of people he was just meeting until told otherwise.

“Here she is, my darling sister Stephanie!”

Nicolai turned, and thanked his scales that the sickly pale blue would never change colors no matter how pallid he would’ve turned. Now he understood why his hostess had been so eager for them to meet. The young lady was a hag, her teeth far more yellowed than his and her hair gray. It was a sharp contrast to the ink black of his own hair. Worst of all was her skin, jaundiced as her teeth with strange bulbous warts on her face and hands. This was Stephanie. She grinned happily, ecstasy causing her enormous ears to wiggle. “How nice to meet you, Mr. LeVanne!” she squeaked, her voice like that of a mouse.

A man skilled in deception, he smiled politely as he lied, “A pleasure to meet you too, Miss Stephanie.” He prayed that she wouldn’t sit next to him, but knew that this prayer was in vain.

“My sister tells me your infestigate things….” And on top of all this, she didn’t have the best pronunciation.

“Oh, forgive me.” He had spent twenty minutes there, which was twenty too many for him. “Miss Stephanie, I just remembered something vitally important. A meeting set up with some patrons and it absolutely cannot wait.”

She was already taking a liking to him. “But you’ll be able to come back, right?” asked his hostess.
“I must leave in the morning. I’m only passing through.” He didn’t have any other business in this town, and the tavern owner wouldn’t miss him at all.

Stephanie sighed deeply. “Alright.” And then she couldn’t help herself. She kissed him.

He took it in stride no matter how disgusting it felt on his scaly lips. “Good day.” Outside the house, he lit up his pipe and breathed the smoke in as deeply as possible. He wanted everything he could to rid himself of her memory.


I gave her flowers and some candy….

A fine fat duck was tethered to the end of his gentleman’s cane which he carried over his shoulder. He was certain Anita would love this. They had met many brief times during his stay in the town, and now he found the courage to approach her at her home. He tried not to grin too much lest he showed his pearly fangs, another mark of the curse. “Miss Anita?” he called after knocking on her door.

“You’re trying to make me fat.”

She opened the door, a queer look on her round face. “Mr. LeVanne, what are you doing here?”

That was disconcerting. “Well, I’ve brought you something. A present of sorts.” Untying the duck from his cane, he presented it with outstretched arms.

Her eyes grew livid, and her face twisted angrily. “Is this the way you want to win me over? You think that just because I’m thick-fingered that the only way I can be swoon is with food?”

She could stand to weigh a little less, but he liked women who looked healthy. “Miss Anita, I—”

“Oh, I know the ways of men like you, Mr. LeVanne! You dandies who hardly eat because how else could you wear your corsets!”

He was unhealthily thin because he was lucky if he ate three meals a day. “Anita, please—”

“No! Never! Take that foul thing as far away from me as possible!” She slammed the door.

Nicolai sighed, staring at the dead fowl. He had spent a pretty penny for this bird, and now what was he to do with it?

The door opened. “I just realized I don’t have any stew left from dinner.” Swiping the duck, she gave the old negotiator a very nasty look before slamming her door again. At least the bird wouldn’t go completely to waste now.


I bought a car and I let her drive it….

Hester was a very sweet woman, probably one of the nicest ones he had ever met. Nothing seemed to ever disappoint her. This time, he would succeed. They had met a couple times and after chatting, she had invited him to dinner.

“Oh bother, this is red.”

He rapped on the door with his cane, a bundle under one arm. His keen ears heard her chime behind the door, “On my way.”

She smiled genially to see him. “You’re early, Mr. LeVanne.”

Nicolai wanted to see that smile every day. “I wanted to make sure you had time to see this.” He presented the bundle.

Excited, she immediately began to un-wrap the bundle. “Ooh, Mr. LeVanne! This is hardly—Oh.” She held up a rich wine colored cloak that had cost him the same amount to buy three fat ducks.

His heart fell. “Don’t you like it?”

“Oh yes!” She strained a smile, before frowning. “The problem is that my husband gets very nervous when men bring me gifts, and the sight of red enrages him.”

She had a husband that she had never mentioned to him or that he had been too stupid to consider. And to make matter worse, the man had just come up from behind.  “Hester, what’s all the talk?”

When she turned back to the door, Nicolai was gone. He had taken cover in a nearby alleyway, heart throbbing in his ears. He was only thankful that he hadn’t dropped his pipe lest he go back to fetch it and confront the face of Doom.


I gave her all my notes from Algebra….

This time he wouldn’t fail. He had met Miranda behind some book-stacks in the library, and took a great risk by inviting her to meet him at the local tavern. She struck him as a very learned girl, someone who appreciated knowledge and books. She said that she loved books almost as much as men. And after busting his purse to bring her this particular book, he was certain that she couldn’t possibly be disappointed in him. Ducking, he walked into the tavern and greeted her with a smile.

“I can’t believe you’re so stupid.”

“Nicolai!” She ran to greet him, insisting that he lean down for a kiss on his thin and scaly cheek.

The old negotiator was more certain than ever that he couldn’t disappoint her. “I’ve brought you a book that I was certain you would enjoy.”

“Oh why thank—” Her eyes grew as her expression soured.

“…Miranda, what’s wrong?” This couldn’t be happening again.

“Of all the books you bought me, you couldn’t resist buying ‘Mating Rituals of the Lower Plains Peoples’! Is this your way of sending me a message, Mr. LeVanne?”

He would never understand women. “Miranda, it was a very rare book. I, I remember you—”

“Saying that I like this kind of bawdy literature?” The closer she drew, the more eagerly he back away. He suddenly realized that that they were in the street.

“Miranda, forgive—”

“Forgive you? Never have I been so insulted! I should’ve known you would do this, Mr. LeVanne! All men like you are the same!” She threw the book at him, flying right in his face as papers scattered everywhere.

He ducked the book, but when the shower of pages ceased she was already gone. He couldn’t even be sad about it. He was just exasperated. “Well done,” he groaned under his breath.


Now I just want a new girlfriend....

Was he going to torture himself again? What was this one’s name? It didn’t matter anymore. Sighing, he threw down the wreath on the street. He was such a nitwit….

“Sir, you drop this.” A young lady came to pick up the wreath with her dainty hands before offering it back to him. “Well…don’t you want it?”

He sighed. “Just once, I would like one woman to not be after my manhood every time I give them something.” He didn’t care if it might’ve sounded rude. He wasn’t doing anything else right, so it seemed stupid to bother trying this time with a total stranger.

“Well…if you don’t want it, I’ll take it. It’s a lovely wreath.” It was almost as lovely as her, in his opinion.

“Go right ahead.” He let his shoulder slump, staring at the ground in utter dismay.

“Thank you, sir.” She tilted her head. “Why don’t you join my husband and me for supper? I was on my way to meet him.”

At least she was being honest. “Well, I don’t mean to intrude….” His stomach answered for him, growling impatiently because it had digested a non-existent dinner.

She chuckled. “Come with me, sir.”

He never remembered either hers or the husband’s name, and he was glad about that. He had gotten his wish: A nice meal with a lovely woman, and at no point had he made a complete buffoon of himself. It was the best he could’ve hoped for.